Archive for the ‘Life’ Category



September 14, 2010

For one week in my pointless irrelevant existence I was willing to believe that maybe, just maybe, I was a real person. But I know it’s better not to lie to myself and just accept the truth.

And the truth is I am not a real person. I’m merely an illness given the ability to speak and the sense not to.



all these things

September 13, 2010

I have all these things. All these words and images and stories and feelings. But I can’t articulate the words I want to speak. I can’t portray the images I see in my mind’s eye. I can’t spin the tales to entertain or inspire.

And I can’t share my emotions.

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August 26, 2010

I don’t make friends very easily. I’m weird and off-putting and most people don’t bother, or at best, they’ll tolerate occasionally seeing me. But when I do make friends they are very important to me, and even if I don’t show it, I am incredibly loyal.

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August 18, 2010

Right now my life is a waste of everything. Unless I’m working or it’s a thursday, I’m generally sleeping. All my pay gets spent on stupid things I don’t need but are good enough distractions. I eat less well than I used to, which quite frankly should’ve made me sick before, if I eat at all. I don’t go out much. Outside work and radio/comics, I might leave my house once a week. I usually don’t. I’m not at uni anymore, which is basically not a change anyway. I don’t use my free time on anything. I don’t care.

‘Drowning myself, over and over
Desolate, trying it’s over

Why so cynical in life
You think you’re living to die
All in wait’




August 12, 2010

My friendship to them didn’t mean as much as theirs did to me. I was easily replaceable, and there’s always someone better.

It brings me back to a term a friend once used, in an effort to cheer me up. She said I wasn’t an ‘optional friend’. To her, maybe I’m not.

To others, it seems maybe I was. And the option is no longer worth it.

I was just filler, I guess.


** and it’s still my fault **


Re: Withdraw

July 20, 2010

I miss the detachment and the safety and I just don’t want to care anymore. So I’m going to work back to being what I was before with all the personal walls and defences and maybe then I can pretend to be happy again.




Identity Crisis

July 13, 2010

It’s a problem I’ve been avoiding for a long time now. I’ve always had somewhere to hide or something to fall back on and pretend about. But as I face the idea of not having anything in my life but work, I’m finding I can’t put the confrontation with myself off any longer.

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